thoughts... and the last piece of an end

I don't know why but my blogging always comes back to adoption.  :) My little "In Quest of Light" blog hasn't really done much.  I have been largely uninspired and well, busy!  I do have a couple of ideas for this little space and I may begin working on them soon but I have a different post for today.
Today, when I cam home there was a flat envelope on our door step.  It was beat up and dirty.  When I picked it up, and saw the return address, I knew exactly what it was.  Our dossier... paperwork very lovingly and meticulously put together  7 years ago.  As I opened up the envelop and held the papers I have to admit it was a hard moment.  So much has happened, has healed, has numbed since I kissed the pages that held our pictures thinking then that the next time I saw those pictures, it would be in my child's hands.  When we withdrew from the adoption 2.5 years ago, we requested our dossier back.  I didn't really want all my personal info just hanging out in a random office of Colombia but as it never came back, sometimes I would dare to hope that maybe by some crazy happen chance, we would end up getting a referral.  But that never came and so 2 years later the dossier has come, full circle, back home and the adoption is a distant memory.  The Lord has blessed us and we are not childless but where we were once a whole family, now there is someone missing.  A loss that is tucked in my heart and will always accompany me.
In my life now, many people that are friends and part of my life don't know anything about our adoption or that we were once a waiting family.  It came up in conversation a few weeks back and just saying "we applied to adopt once" came out sounding very foreign and weird as if it were just a crazy dream, a distant memory with a very real scar.
I don't really know what to make of all of my emotions today.  They are not as strong as I thought they might be, but they are still haunting.  The adoption is finally closed.  There is no opportunity for false hope.  If feels sad.